Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
