It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
