He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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