Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
