While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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