Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
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Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
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I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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