Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
