are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
