We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
