just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
