So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
