my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
