last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
