I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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