life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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