Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
