Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
