Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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