Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
