My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Ketchup is God's man juice
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
