I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
