Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
