remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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