i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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