Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
