Just fell off a train. Bad.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
