i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I just got carded by a ten year old.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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