Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize