it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
