I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
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On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
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To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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