Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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