I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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