My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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