my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
