just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
