Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Randomize
