grandma shit on top of the toilet
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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