Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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