i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
