Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
