Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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