even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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