I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
This toilet bowl is my home.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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