wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
