Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
me + whiskey = a bad person
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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