She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
