I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
