We won't sleep together?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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