She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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