Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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