The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
