the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
