and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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