U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
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