if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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